Sandwiched.

Saturday as I was walking out of Heritage Park Nursing Center, from dropping my brother in law back at his room, it hit me. I am officially part of the sandwich generation. (Sandwiched between raising my kids, and taking care of elderly parents.)
Now, I am in this position because I married into it, my parents are still sprie and doing great and hope that keeps up for a long time. But my parents also had me when they were young. Sirj's mom is almost 85, his brother (I will call him BIL)(with permanent disabilities) is 54. I have been taking care of them for about 7 years, and it became more and more, to the point that we hired in home help the start of last year.
Late August Mom fell on Monday and broke her wrist, and cracked her rib. On Friday that same week she fell again and broke the rib. We got the "look" and had a talk about what we are going to put into place to see that she is safe, from the Dr. This is nothing the family was surprised by, we have been hinting about needing to talk as a family for a long while, but really everyone was just putting it off because of how hard we all knew it was going to be.
After the first fall I started looking into what hoops would have be be jumped to find help for financial assistance with my brother in laws medicaid. The hoops are very large, and no way around them. He would have to spend 90 days in a full on nursing center, until the state decided it was cheaper to allow him to live in assisted living (at 1/4 the cost). But, he could not work (shoe shine vocation, keeps his sanity) for that 90 days, and we would have to move Mom, without him. The longest they have EVER been apart. And from previous experiences, separating them has never been a good thing.
With all the information gathered, looking at renting their home till the market comes back, all the ducks in a row, the family call took place. It was one of the hardest things. I know I am just the daughter in law, and have only been their lives for 11 years, but to see how much pain and stress this situation was causing my husband and his two siblings (one in TX and the other in CA) it was heart breaking.
The facts were unflexible and it was what had to be done. Then Mom and BIL had to be told. I was out of town, the other three tryied to set up a skype call and my brother in law in TX ran it. I understand he did a great job, and BIL understood it was his sacrifice to do this horrible change, for the sake of him and Mom. Mom was OK, but medicated for pain, and confused.
That Wednesday Mom had to have a plate put in the broken wrist, after the surgery we took her to Country Pines, her new home, and where BIL would join her in 90 days. And we took BIL to Heritage Park to start his 90 days.
They have been in their respective places for almost 3 weeks. BIL still have a great outlook, he is lonely, but we do take them to dinner like our old schedule, and we take him bowling and to visit Mom every Saturday. Heritage Park has some great activites and services, he is OK. Not great, we know he needs to be by Mom, but he's OK. Mom on the other hand, the first 10 days was still so out of it. Then she started to come around and it was anger and confusion. She wanted to call a taxi and go home. She thought when the bandage came off her wrist she was going home. She blamed all the kids, at different times, for "putting" her there. The room was too small, why were moving her stuff in, there would be no room for BIL's bed! Then she started blaming herself, what had she done wrong, why was this change happening? Three meals and constant meds are helping. She is social, she more aware than I have seen her in a long time. She is still confused, and at times I wonder how much is confusion or just denial to see if she will get the same answer we've given her before. This will be a long road for her and at times is heart breaking.
Saturday when I got BIL to take back, I hung a wipe board with phone numbers, and some of her family photos. Later this week I will hang the wall of family photos we gave her for Mothers Day some years back. I think the more of her stuff there will help her know it's home. We will move BIL's bed in as the 90 days is close to over, and we are all sure that once he is there, he can help with the confusion and the daily life will just become a new normal. We will also get them a small fridge, a new skinny nightstand for between their beds, possibly a lap top, and a new TV to hang on the wall. The room is only 15x12. A room, not an apartment!
This has honestly been the hardest thing I have ever done. Before the move I would look at her and feel such horrible guilt that I was working on taking her home, and everything she knew away from her, for her own safety, but it still hurt like hell. To watch the pain Sirj was going through was too much some days, and to listen to the conference calls and how much my sweet sister in law was hurting just made me cry. Thursday when I took Mom out for a Dr./hair, mani/pedi apts, when I drove up in front of Country Pines, she asked if that was were BIL was staying. It hurt to tell her that was her home now.
There is no doubt this is what had to happen, and it will be a great thing for BIL in the long term, we will already be set up and taken care of when it is time for him to live on his own. There is still much to do, wait for a renter for the house, change the van registration, wait out the rest of the 90 days. But by Christmas, we will have a new normal, and a healthy situation for them.
We have family coming in from out state this weekend, and now we will get to have everyone that visits stay with us. And I understand we will have one FULL house for Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to all of it!